Silent
2011-12-29 18:24:41
Alright, so I'm sharing a couple of posts from my personal blog. I'll probably post the other few entries I have as well, we'll see. I would love to see comments, feedback, and sure even hate. Just so you know this is actual real life crap for me. But SRL is pretty much like a home to me how, so I thought I'd share a little with you all. If you read it all, I give you props.
Edit: added another post.
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The Challenge of the Nice
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Being nice has always been something I have wanted to be, but recent events have convinced me that people really, quite frankly don’t want someone to be nice. Being nice gets you into a place called friends, which don’t get me wrong, I love my friends, but everyone I meet shouldn’t automatically go into this category. I’m not saying I don’t want to be friends with new people, that’s not it at all. I’m merely saying that people when they meet me will automatically see me as a friend, but nothing more. This isn’t an issue of self-confidence, as I think quite highly of myself, but that doesn’t matter.
All my life I have been told not to care what other people think about you, and to a degree I still stand by that very strongly. I’m not going to go party, drink, or smoke because it will make me look cool to other people, and to be honest, I think all of those things make you look stupid and are a complete waste of the precious amount of life that we are given. The problem is not with moral code, as I refuse to let that be compromised, the issue is more of other people thinking I’m too nice to be anything more than a friend. I was once told by a good friend of mine, that they would have been afraid to do anything more than be friends with me because that would imply the possibility of losing me. I am of course referring to dating, and yes I am talking about women. In the end, the only people that have ever lost me, have chosen to do so on their own accord. It wasn’t a path I wanted them to take, but they took it anyway. I’m still not sure why, I guess it is because they thought it was necessary for them. After all not very many people I know are as thick skinned as I am, and I can’t hold a grudge for more than about ten minutes. I personally find it to be too much work to dislike people.
The reality is though, that no one will ever read this unless I mistakenly send someone the link at like 4 a.m. because this is all just a personal rant., an online journal if you will. I guess the whole purpose of my typing this entire message is to get it out of my system so that I might be able to sleep. I’ve now seen the situation that I am in from both sides, and it is horrible from both. What do I mean by that exactly? I mean I know how it feels to have someone like you, that you really just want to be friends with, but I also know what it is like to feel so attached to someone that you can’t possibly think about losing them.
I’ve experienced the positives, and negatives that come with each side of this situation, neither of the positives so far out weigh the awful negatives. While this may be a poor mentality to keep, it is all that I have been left with. I was once a person of dire optimism, and belief that everything would work out as it should. I still believe that things goes as they are supposed to, I just believe it with less optimism in terms of how they will work out for me. I am not concerned about job security, as I feel that I’m pretty good at what I do, and when I am done with college I believe that I will be able to fulfill any project that is assigned to me. No, my doubts aren’t spiritual either, don’t get me wrong, I have had doubts, but those have passed, as the insanity of the math required for evolution is well, insane. That’s a topic for another time though. My faults lay, where I guess most people’s do, in that of finding someone that will actually want to risk losing me as a friend. In that I hope some day I meet someone who truly wants to know the deeper side of me, someone who will listen to my fears (yes I have them too), along with my dreams, and I want to know their’s too.
I know thinking like this has become out of style and unreasonable these days. People are more concerned with your looks and what party you were at than they do about what is actually hiding beneath the surface. Everyone can put on a face, realistically speaking, everyone does, but very few want to risk looking behind the mask to what is really there. I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, and this blog has gone on far longer than I expected that it would, but I needed a place to toss my thoughts. Finals are coming up and I can’t keep losing sleep over this stuff. I have come to realize though, that this method of thinking is quickly becoming obsolete, after all, I’m just too nice for anyone to risk losing.
~Silent.
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Welcome Home
———————-
This week I am finally off from school and back home. It has been an insane few weeks since my thanksgiving break, and I really can't believe it is already almost time for Christmas (8 days what???). Driving home this time I had my roommate with me who also lives in the same state I do, so we car-pooled to save money on that super expensive stuff that my car drinks like the most refreshing beverage on the face of the planet.
The drive home was quite good, I must say, and I really enjoyed having my friend a long for the ride. We had good quality conversation, which is something that has been severely lacking in my life lately. We talked about everything from what women he thought I should date, to what we were going to do over break. I even think the NFL and NBA came up at some point, but that doesn't surprise me at all. What did surprise me is how many of my friends weren't leaving until the next day - I personally wanted to get home as soon as possible - and were planning various things to do that night to let go of some steam that had been building up over finals week. That, I didn't think was a bad idea, so I started thinking of ways I could blow off steam, and have some fun when I got home.
As soon as I got home, I realized I didn't care about fun very much, I was too excited to be back in my home state, and too tired to care about anything other than rest. So what did I do? I programmed of course, because that's what normal people do when they get back from a super long road trip and are outrageously tired right? Even now, my computer is telling me it is approximately 1:47 or something like that in the morning, now I know I don't have to be up exceptionally early tomorrow, but I should still be sleeping instead of typing this silly blog out that no one reads.
So why am I then? Because I wouldn't sleep anyway. This is an old dire-hard habit of mine. If my mind has anything to think about at all, it will do it before it decides I can sleep at night, even if the only thing that it has to think about is how much I want sleep, instead of actually sleeping, it will think about how much it will suck the next day not having that much sleep. You see where this cycle leads right? And people ask why I'm tired all the time…. It's not my fault, really, I would turn it off if I could, but I can't. Somebody is probably thinking "Why not just take sleeping pills?" the answer to that is because I hate drugs. All sorts, it doesn't matter what they are. If they contain more than basic vitamins, I'm going to pass. I'm old school remember? Or did you not read my bio?
Anyway the thing that is keeping me up tonight, isn't programming, or even this blog. I'm not even thinking about how tired I'll be tomorrow, (well, maybe a little) instead all of my mental energy is focused on one thing. More specifically, one person. I'm not going to name the person, although I feel like it wouldn't matter anyway. This person has always meant a great deal to me, but currently I don't feel like that is a two way street. I'm not saying that this person doesn't care about me at all, because I know they do. The problem is that I care about them too much, yes you see where this is going don't you? Yep, its a women, we kind of have a history, but it's a bit of a mystery to anyone not directly involved (rumors are scary accurate sometimes though). So you are probably thinking, well, why not tell her? The answer is simple, because it won't matter, and no, she isn't dating anyone.
This is where I tie this blog into my last one (From last week?) in the theory of my niceness. I believe this may be part of the problem here, but I don't think it's the total issue, I have my theories on why me saying something wouldn't matter at all, but those don't get to be posted online. I don't care if no one ever reads this, if the information is out there, someone, somehow, will find it and I would be screwed. Actually I'm most likely over-reacting on that one…A lot. Oh well, sleep is teasing me, until next time.
~Silent.
Edit: added another post.
————————-
The Challenge of the Nice
————————————————————————–
Being nice has always been something I have wanted to be, but recent events have convinced me that people really, quite frankly don’t want someone to be nice. Being nice gets you into a place called friends, which don’t get me wrong, I love my friends, but everyone I meet shouldn’t automatically go into this category. I’m not saying I don’t want to be friends with new people, that’s not it at all. I’m merely saying that people when they meet me will automatically see me as a friend, but nothing more. This isn’t an issue of self-confidence, as I think quite highly of myself, but that doesn’t matter.
All my life I have been told not to care what other people think about you, and to a degree I still stand by that very strongly. I’m not going to go party, drink, or smoke because it will make me look cool to other people, and to be honest, I think all of those things make you look stupid and are a complete waste of the precious amount of life that we are given. The problem is not with moral code, as I refuse to let that be compromised, the issue is more of other people thinking I’m too nice to be anything more than a friend. I was once told by a good friend of mine, that they would have been afraid to do anything more than be friends with me because that would imply the possibility of losing me. I am of course referring to dating, and yes I am talking about women. In the end, the only people that have ever lost me, have chosen to do so on their own accord. It wasn’t a path I wanted them to take, but they took it anyway. I’m still not sure why, I guess it is because they thought it was necessary for them. After all not very many people I know are as thick skinned as I am, and I can’t hold a grudge for more than about ten minutes. I personally find it to be too much work to dislike people.
The reality is though, that no one will ever read this unless I mistakenly send someone the link at like 4 a.m. because this is all just a personal rant., an online journal if you will. I guess the whole purpose of my typing this entire message is to get it out of my system so that I might be able to sleep. I’ve now seen the situation that I am in from both sides, and it is horrible from both. What do I mean by that exactly? I mean I know how it feels to have someone like you, that you really just want to be friends with, but I also know what it is like to feel so attached to someone that you can’t possibly think about losing them.
I’ve experienced the positives, and negatives that come with each side of this situation, neither of the positives so far out weigh the awful negatives. While this may be a poor mentality to keep, it is all that I have been left with. I was once a person of dire optimism, and belief that everything would work out as it should. I still believe that things goes as they are supposed to, I just believe it with less optimism in terms of how they will work out for me. I am not concerned about job security, as I feel that I’m pretty good at what I do, and when I am done with college I believe that I will be able to fulfill any project that is assigned to me. No, my doubts aren’t spiritual either, don’t get me wrong, I have had doubts, but those have passed, as the insanity of the math required for evolution is well, insane. That’s a topic for another time though. My faults lay, where I guess most people’s do, in that of finding someone that will actually want to risk losing me as a friend. In that I hope some day I meet someone who truly wants to know the deeper side of me, someone who will listen to my fears (yes I have them too), along with my dreams, and I want to know their’s too.
I know thinking like this has become out of style and unreasonable these days. People are more concerned with your looks and what party you were at than they do about what is actually hiding beneath the surface. Everyone can put on a face, realistically speaking, everyone does, but very few want to risk looking behind the mask to what is really there. I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, and this blog has gone on far longer than I expected that it would, but I needed a place to toss my thoughts. Finals are coming up and I can’t keep losing sleep over this stuff. I have come to realize though, that this method of thinking is quickly becoming obsolete, after all, I’m just too nice for anyone to risk losing.
~Silent.
———————-
Welcome Home
———————-
This week I am finally off from school and back home. It has been an insane few weeks since my thanksgiving break, and I really can't believe it is already almost time for Christmas (8 days what???). Driving home this time I had my roommate with me who also lives in the same state I do, so we car-pooled to save money on that super expensive stuff that my car drinks like the most refreshing beverage on the face of the planet.
The drive home was quite good, I must say, and I really enjoyed having my friend a long for the ride. We had good quality conversation, which is something that has been severely lacking in my life lately. We talked about everything from what women he thought I should date, to what we were going to do over break. I even think the NFL and NBA came up at some point, but that doesn't surprise me at all. What did surprise me is how many of my friends weren't leaving until the next day - I personally wanted to get home as soon as possible - and were planning various things to do that night to let go of some steam that had been building up over finals week. That, I didn't think was a bad idea, so I started thinking of ways I could blow off steam, and have some fun when I got home.
As soon as I got home, I realized I didn't care about fun very much, I was too excited to be back in my home state, and too tired to care about anything other than rest. So what did I do? I programmed of course, because that's what normal people do when they get back from a super long road trip and are outrageously tired right? Even now, my computer is telling me it is approximately 1:47 or something like that in the morning, now I know I don't have to be up exceptionally early tomorrow, but I should still be sleeping instead of typing this silly blog out that no one reads.
So why am I then? Because I wouldn't sleep anyway. This is an old dire-hard habit of mine. If my mind has anything to think about at all, it will do it before it decides I can sleep at night, even if the only thing that it has to think about is how much I want sleep, instead of actually sleeping, it will think about how much it will suck the next day not having that much sleep. You see where this cycle leads right? And people ask why I'm tired all the time…. It's not my fault, really, I would turn it off if I could, but I can't. Somebody is probably thinking "Why not just take sleeping pills?" the answer to that is because I hate drugs. All sorts, it doesn't matter what they are. If they contain more than basic vitamins, I'm going to pass. I'm old school remember? Or did you not read my bio?
Anyway the thing that is keeping me up tonight, isn't programming, or even this blog. I'm not even thinking about how tired I'll be tomorrow, (well, maybe a little) instead all of my mental energy is focused on one thing. More specifically, one person. I'm not going to name the person, although I feel like it wouldn't matter anyway. This person has always meant a great deal to me, but currently I don't feel like that is a two way street. I'm not saying that this person doesn't care about me at all, because I know they do. The problem is that I care about them too much, yes you see where this is going don't you? Yep, its a women, we kind of have a history, but it's a bit of a mystery to anyone not directly involved (rumors are scary accurate sometimes though). So you are probably thinking, well, why not tell her? The answer is simple, because it won't matter, and no, she isn't dating anyone.
This is where I tie this blog into my last one (From last week?) in the theory of my niceness. I believe this may be part of the problem here, but I don't think it's the total issue, I have my theories on why me saying something wouldn't matter at all, but those don't get to be posted online. I don't care if no one ever reads this, if the information is out there, someone, somehow, will find it and I would be screwed. Actually I'm most likely over-reacting on that one…A lot. Oh well, sleep is teasing me, until next time.
~Silent.