SRL Archive - The Bashing Club / BBQ Pit

Jokes

Everyone post their jokes they want to share, all jokes can be in this thread. It's for laughs, to lighten up one SRLians' day. It's community driven, meaning everybody can post their jokes and not just a single guy. Let's make this thread MASSIVE! :D

They can be short, they can be long, they can be about blondes, they can be about anything really (with the exceptions listed below).

Just remember:

• No racist jokes.
• No profound jokes.
• No incredibly offensive jokes.

I shall start :)

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball……..stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see… size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure…"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure…"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see… 9-1/2… E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure…"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see… 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure…" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see… size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Heh I liked that first one. I have a question though, can we post Demotivational Posters here? If they follow guidelines that is.

One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.

After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.

The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"

====================

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

:p

From: Flight
Heh I liked that first one. I have a question though, can we post Demotivational Posters here? If they follow guidelines that is.

I don't see why not :) It's a jokes/funny/comedy thread after all :)

I laughed my ass off at the testicles one.

I have a TON more but I didn't wanna squeeze them all into just one post.

^ there's nothing in you post lol.

A man comes home and yells "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!" She starts screaming and then says "OMG! What do I pack?" And he says "Everything! Get the fuck out!"

Reload it KingKong, they show up now, I'm not using Imageshack anymore.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Now you know why!

From: Daniel
Joke from the post above this

:p :p :p

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


—
@Cycrosism: Try not to quote long posts. Thanks :)

Two men are standing in the line to enter heaven. The line was long, seeing as a lot of people tend to die, so the man in front turned around to strike up a conversation with the man behind him. He introduces himself as Bert, and asks the others' name. The second man–many years older than Bert–says his name is John.

Naturally, their conversation turned to how each had died. John said he died of pneumonia at 87, but without much suffering; Bert then said he died in a car accident at 35, explaining that he was a taxi driver in Boston.

Being polite Bert asked what John's career was, and John responded that he was a Catholic priest, which essentially gave him a free pass into the highest ring of Heaven. Bert had never been particularly religious, but he was always a kind man and good to his family, so he hoped he would be given a chance to repent for his lack of faith.

Their conversation carried on for quite some time, until they had reached Saint Peter's desk, just before the golden gates. Bert walked nervously up to the desk and gave Saint Peter his name. Peter began flipping through pages and pages of a giant tome, until he came across Bert's name. Peter gave Bert a warm smile and produced a set of golden robes and a golden scepter from under the desk. "God welcomes you to His home with open arms," he said, gesturing Bert through the gate.

The gate slammed shut behind Bert, and John proceeded up to the desk. Seeing the treatment that a non-believer received, he wondered what riches laid in wait for a priest. He gave Saint Peter his name, and Peter began to flip through the book. He flipped through page after page after page, until he had gone trough the entire book. Puzzled, Peter began searching again; he finally found John's name on one of the last pages. He gave John a dirty look, and produced a burlap sack and a wooden stick from under the desk.

"Now hold on just a second," John protested. "The non-believer before me recieved golden robes and a warm welcome; all I get are burlap and a dirty look?"

Saint Peter leaned over the desk and said, "You spent your time on Earth as a Catholic priest; when you gave sermons, people fell asleep. That man was a taxi driver in Boston; when he drove, everyone around him would pray."

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."
——————————————————
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
————————————————

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
———————————————
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

From: Daniel
@Cycrosism: Try not to quote long posts. Thanks :)

Fix'd

A hacker friend of a blonde hacks into her personal computer and discovers her password: "mickey minnie daisy donald goofy pluto louie willie Washington DC". The next morning, the hacker asks his blonde friend, "Why is your password so long?" The blonde replies, "Well, it asked for 8 characters and a capital."

:p

Hey cycrocism

It's a fucking miracle!

Boy: Dad, can I go out tonight?
Dad: You'll have to ask your mum. She's in the kitchen.
*Boy walks to kitchen. Mum's not there*
Boy: She's not in here…
Dad: WTF?! *Grabs shotgun*

One day a man walked down the street and suddenly he died. It didn't matter though, because he just ate a muffin :)

http://www.megavideo.com/?d=1L3VYWPT

Ya!

I had to post this one, it's a bit heartless but it's still worth a laugh I think.

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "Well, whadaya do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian, "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys! He's one of us!"

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a blonde woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a body builder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on
someone you don't know.


I was sitting at my desk
when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and
dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'


I politely said, 'This is
Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'


Suddenly a manic
voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was
slammed down on me.


I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the
last two digits.


After hanging up with
her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.


When the same guy
answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung
up. I wrote his
number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me
up.


When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling
would have to stop.


So, I called his number and said, 'Hi,
this is John Smith from the telephone
company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?'


He yelled 'NO!' and slammed
down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, 'That's because you're an
asshole!' and hung up.


One day I was at the store, getting ready to
pull into a parking spot.


Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a
'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.


A
couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number
on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.


I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said,
'Yes, it
is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I
live at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's
parked
right out in front.'


I asked, 'What's your name?' He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'


I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you,
Don?' He said, 'I'm home every
evening after five.'


I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?'


I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'


Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two assholes to
call.


Then I came up with an idea.


I called Asshole #1. He
said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I
didn't hang
up.)


He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed,
'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?'


I
said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow rambler,
I have a
black Beamer parked in front.'


He said, 'I'm coming over right now,
Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers.'


I said, 'Yeah,
like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.


Then I called Asshole
.2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole.' He yelled, 'If I ever find
out who you are…' I
said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your
ass,'


I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now.'


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying
that I lived at 34
Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over
there to kill my
gay lover.


Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd.
in Fairfax .


I quickly got
into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in
time to watch two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an
overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.


NOW I feel
much better.

I'm more of a visual comedy person, and this picture made me laugh so hard. I found it while begin pissed at a script I'm working on, so it saved my day ;)

From: Flight
I have a TON more but I didn't wanna squeeze them all into just one post.

Didn't embed correctly.

http://s4.postimage.org/6dzjftrrf/Altitude.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e09wfbnv/Beer.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e0tqvhl7/Birds.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e10d0vkb/Birds1.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e120k823/Breakdancing.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e1bxsb0r/Common_Sense.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e1k7h1hn/Exercise.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e1lv0dzf/Laziness.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e1nijqh7/Situations.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e1qtmfgr/Simplicity.jpg
http://s4.postimage.org/6e1sh5ryj/Trolls.jpg

From: PatDuffy
I'm more of a visual comedy person, and this picture made me laugh so hard. I found it while begin pissed at a script I'm working on, so it saved my day ;)

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
That's hilarious!! ROFL!! Totally made my day! Thanks!

From: Smartzkid
Didn't embed correctly.

Yeah I don't think I'll be using that image hoster anymore, it really sucks. :/

I even made a smiley out of it, I wish it was added to the forum. :(
I love it. :d