Bionicle
2010-02-22 16:28:58
Yes, I may smile, yes, I may laugh, but I haven't had my heart in it for so long. If you could see inside me, all you would see is a black void, nothing else. And the emptiness, oh how empty I feel, for nothing seems real anymore. I drift through these days pretending to be something I am not, creating an image of who I was, not who I am.
When I am alone with nothing to do, I can think of nothing else. My life over the past few months have merged around what I have lost, and without that in which was the foundations, my world is collapsing. Though, I have no doubt the walls will be rebuilt, I know it will take a long time. But that's just how these things work, isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder why we do these things to ourselves? It would be so much easier to forget, to never look back again. It will save me from a lot of pain now, and in the future, but I cannot do it, I cannot just dump my feelings out, even though sometimes I wish I could. But that would be to easy, wouldn't it?
Days like these I can't help but think, why? Why did it happen? Why did I do it? Why do I feel like this? Why can't I do anything about it? I feel helpless, lost, hopeless, like I am trapped in a small cage abandoned in the wilderness. I've never felt this bad before, hell, I never thought I could feel this bad. I've never loved like this before, hell, I never thought I could love like this. But with four simple words, my hopes and my dreams were crushed.
What can I do about it? Hell, I'd love to know. The easiest answer is to forget, but how can I? That one in a million girl everyone talks about, I have finally found her, and I can't just let her go like that. My friends keep telling me that age old saying, 'there's plenty more fish in the sea,'. I just want to tell them back, 'if you cast your net out to catch a certain type of fish, will you settle for any less?'.
No, this isn't a suicide note, this is simply a means to channel my emotions so I can control them easier. The last week has been a torture for me, and nothing helps, and believe me, I've tried everything. Today, I simply sat down on my computer and just typed, I don't know how good I've written, because I couldn't read it over without crying.
And yes, I was crying the entire time I wrote this.
Darkness descends upon my world, longing has blocked out all other emotions, I am blind to the real world. Feelings bashing other feelings, a war raging in my body between my mind and my heart, between logic and love. The one side argues the pain isn't worth it, the other side refuses to back down as long as that shred of hope remains. But that shred of hope is small, and it seems to be shrinking even more every day, but my heart still won't relent.
Who I was is gone, she has changed me in ways most cannot imagine..and without her now it feels that I have nothing left, for when she was around, I lived for her. Now what? All I have is my guitar and this forum. This forum and my guitar. I write songs, I write poems, I write stuff like this, it helps for a while, but eventually my emotions hit me like a steel wall, harder then before.
As you read this, you probably expected that I was dumped? Alas, no. Simply rejected. When I first met her, I felt a connection so strong, unlike anything I have felt before. I had never believed in love at first sight until that night. The next three and a half months were spent trying to show her who I was, getting to know her and getting her to know me.
I have liked women before, I have dated women before, for long periods of time, I have felt like I loved someone,I've been rejected before, many times, but now I know I never experienced the real thing, that is love. You guys probably think I'm pathetic, crying over one I have not even gone on a single date with, but unless you have experienced similar feelings, you could never understand.
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