MetalancA
2009-03-22 03:49:16
I wrote this story when I was 12, decided to post it for the hell of it :p
NOTE: It's extremely offensive and quite possibly racist, so be aware that If confronted I will shirk all my responsibilities onto this waiver :cool:
I was walking down a dark, dark alleyway; it was noon-ish but that didn't stop the sun from setting. The mass of the pollution had covered the sky with a dark feature, only a madman could resemble the true color of the sky. 2078, a new world order at hand. I held my overcoat tightly as I walked suspiciously down the broken and beaten ally-way trying to think of the warm fire that greeted me when I walk in my door. But alas, the only thing that would greet me was an old rotted can of cold beans and a strange gaunt face in the mirror.As I walked I noticed a shadowy figure behind me. I quickened my pace and glanced behind me, but the figure was heavily dressed with a maroon scarf and dark glasses. It started off on a quick stride and increased to a good jog. That's when I started to run As I took off I threw trash cans filled with god knows what to the ground hoping to slow my chaser off balance. Sadly I saw a dead end in front of me. My pursuer slowly came to a slow casual walk, and then I saw his face. "CHICKEN FIVE DOLLA! FRESH FROM COOP! YOU WANT? AHH CAREFUL YOU BE, YOU BREAK YOU BUY!" A bead of sweat fell down my forehead as I thought, "Damn chicken salesmen"
*Mission Impossible theme music keys in*
The Odyssey of Me
The next five minutes of my life were scared and confused. I mean I was more confused then when someone said, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" and for the next two weeks until I saw the discovery channel I was confused. After a long, long time of endless droning, I took out my vaporizer gun and vapored his ass.
Now what's the moral of this story? If you ever see a chicken vendor, take out your vapor good and vapor his ass.
Hello my name is Bob and I'm an ex-gay man, I am middle aged looking for a good looking girl about 35-65. A little chest hair and/or mustache hair is fine with me. I'm fine if you don't have long hair or big mugumbos or anything, so anyways please consider me and my video and my number is 600-gayman1 don't worry it's out of date… Really, what? FINE! DON'T WATCH THIS VIDEO JUST GO!… Please… Don't go… I love you REALLY I LOVE YOU ALL *sob* *sniff*
The moral of this story, never go on those online ex-gay dating services.
*Sniff* Just recalling this memory brings tears to my eyes… M-my friend… He died in a freak boating/nuclear accident when he grew one more of each organ and there wasn't enough blood to feed his body so he turned into an evil yet misunderstood monster and the townspeople killed him.
Now what's the moral of this story? Don't EVER drink and boat or else you'll run into a nuclear reactor floating on the water and you will mutate into a HIDEOUS, DISGUSTING MONSTER! *sniff*
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to lay an egg? I mean- "COME TO BREAKFAST, WE'RE HAVING EGGS!"
"SHUT UP MOM I"M WARMING MY… Eggs?"
Now what's the moral of this story? I don't know… Just don't lay eggs I guess. Big hassle.
"Hello and welcome back to Animals and you, Hi I'm Alan T and I will be your host this evening. Today I will be showing you a nice gentle little Chinese fur-back panda. Here he is now, hi Herbie *panda enters stage* *host picks up panda* this is a fur-back Chinese panda, he's very loving, and very gentle, I love these little guy-SON OF A BITCH HE BIT ME! YOU LITTLE MOTHER ^%@#ING ^@# IT'S ON NOW! *host punches panda* *host kicks pands* *host punts panda into oblivion* THATS RIGHT! *host wipes face with shirt* "See us next week with the loving North American Red Fox. "See you again soon!" *host runs to panda but co. workers hold him back* "I'm ok, I'm good" *host walks away, turns back and punches panda*
Now what's the moral of this story? …Ten bucks on the furry one…
"Hello Hitler here, on the Hitler Show *studio audience claps* today we will be discussing FLOOGINHALLIN SHIZA and how it affects Germany. You see FLOOGINHALLIN SHIZA is a word in the German language which mea- "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? I ASKED FOR DECAFF *Hitler shoots coffee guy* Well that #$@# isn't going to get a free complementary soap bubble batch… I AM *audience gasps* Muahahahahah… What country is he from? EHH? Poland? WE WILL ENVADE POLAND! AHAHAHAHA *cough* *gag* Bring me my damn inhaler. *poof* Ahh yes, so if you want to be on ze Hitler Show please call 1800 FLOOGINHALLINSHIZACOMPHCOOKENALVEDAZANEVUNDERHUND! See you next time!
Now what's the moral of this story? You don't want to miss that complementary bubble bath. It is gooood!
So one day I was walking down the street and I saw a runaway manic, so I thought I could take him and be a haro, but when we got "jiggy with it" he bit me. And he must have had rabies, or an STD. So I was in a coma for fifteen years, and when I awoke I was in a cock fight ring to my dismay.
Now what's the moral of this story? Twenty bucks on the chicken.
And now the president of the United States! *audience claps* "Hello, we have good news; we have found the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And we will be bringing the troops back *audience claps* and lowering taxes. We will also build more oil refineries. And we will get more food for the homeless and find a cure to cancer. May God bless us all… -Hey, does this microphone look like a giant robot dick to you guys? I mean it looked like that all *my* life but just asking…
Now what's the moral of this story? Moral? What moral?
So one day I was walking down the street when an enormous fat lady hit on me. I mean have you ever wondered how disturbing it is just to have a conversation with a fat ass? I mean you can hardly even talk to them; you're looking at their fat the whole time. It's like "Oh hello Alan." and then I replied "Oh hey Mrs. Blubberson-I mean-Bobson." I mean seriously.
"So… how are you these days?"
"Umm yes ahh I'm off work today because I'm sick and someone is blubbering-I mean covering! For me." *eye twitches violently*
"You have to tell me where you work honey." *fat jiggles tauntingly*
"Well … I work at an assembly line for a fat-I mean MAT! Company. Err- I have to umm…go…to a place. Nice meeting you Mrs. Blub-err-Bobson." *jumps down sewer drain*
Now what's the moral of this story? *shivers violently*
So I was walking down the street one day and I saw a dog, but this was no ordinary dog. It wore a top hat with a matching blouse. A red one to be exact.
Now what's the moral of this story? I'm running out of material.
Oh yeah, and this other time I was walking in a park when a bear attacked me. Even though it was a local park with swings and see-saws it still attacked me. There must have been a circus in town or something and they must have been poking it because Mr. Bear wasn't very friendly. When I got up from the ground I realized I was in a coma for fifteen years and hte playground was now a gray strip bar. Like a hungry baby in a topless bar I was confused.
Now what's the moral of this story? Life is random… Make a sandwich. ©
THE END
NOTE: It's extremely offensive and quite possibly racist, so be aware that If confronted I will shirk all my responsibilities onto this waiver :cool:
I was walking down a dark, dark alleyway; it was noon-ish but that didn't stop the sun from setting. The mass of the pollution had covered the sky with a dark feature, only a madman could resemble the true color of the sky. 2078, a new world order at hand. I held my overcoat tightly as I walked suspiciously down the broken and beaten ally-way trying to think of the warm fire that greeted me when I walk in my door. But alas, the only thing that would greet me was an old rotted can of cold beans and a strange gaunt face in the mirror.As I walked I noticed a shadowy figure behind me. I quickened my pace and glanced behind me, but the figure was heavily dressed with a maroon scarf and dark glasses. It started off on a quick stride and increased to a good jog. That's when I started to run As I took off I threw trash cans filled with god knows what to the ground hoping to slow my chaser off balance. Sadly I saw a dead end in front of me. My pursuer slowly came to a slow casual walk, and then I saw his face. "CHICKEN FIVE DOLLA! FRESH FROM COOP! YOU WANT? AHH CAREFUL YOU BE, YOU BREAK YOU BUY!" A bead of sweat fell down my forehead as I thought, "Damn chicken salesmen"
*Mission Impossible theme music keys in*
The Odyssey of Me
The next five minutes of my life were scared and confused. I mean I was more confused then when someone said, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" and for the next two weeks until I saw the discovery channel I was confused. After a long, long time of endless droning, I took out my vaporizer gun and vapored his ass.
Now what's the moral of this story? If you ever see a chicken vendor, take out your vapor good and vapor his ass.
Hello my name is Bob and I'm an ex-gay man, I am middle aged looking for a good looking girl about 35-65. A little chest hair and/or mustache hair is fine with me. I'm fine if you don't have long hair or big mugumbos or anything, so anyways please consider me and my video and my number is 600-gayman1 don't worry it's out of date… Really, what? FINE! DON'T WATCH THIS VIDEO JUST GO!… Please… Don't go… I love you REALLY I LOVE YOU ALL *sob* *sniff*
The moral of this story, never go on those online ex-gay dating services.
*Sniff* Just recalling this memory brings tears to my eyes… M-my friend… He died in a freak boating/nuclear accident when he grew one more of each organ and there wasn't enough blood to feed his body so he turned into an evil yet misunderstood monster and the townspeople killed him.
Now what's the moral of this story? Don't EVER drink and boat or else you'll run into a nuclear reactor floating on the water and you will mutate into a HIDEOUS, DISGUSTING MONSTER! *sniff*
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to lay an egg? I mean- "COME TO BREAKFAST, WE'RE HAVING EGGS!"
"SHUT UP MOM I"M WARMING MY… Eggs?"
Now what's the moral of this story? I don't know… Just don't lay eggs I guess. Big hassle.
"Hello and welcome back to Animals and you, Hi I'm Alan T and I will be your host this evening. Today I will be showing you a nice gentle little Chinese fur-back panda. Here he is now, hi Herbie *panda enters stage* *host picks up panda* this is a fur-back Chinese panda, he's very loving, and very gentle, I love these little guy-SON OF A BITCH HE BIT ME! YOU LITTLE MOTHER ^%@#ING ^@# IT'S ON NOW! *host punches panda* *host kicks pands* *host punts panda into oblivion* THATS RIGHT! *host wipes face with shirt* "See us next week with the loving North American Red Fox. "See you again soon!" *host runs to panda but co. workers hold him back* "I'm ok, I'm good" *host walks away, turns back and punches panda*
Now what's the moral of this story? …Ten bucks on the furry one…
"Hello Hitler here, on the Hitler Show *studio audience claps* today we will be discussing FLOOGINHALLIN SHIZA and how it affects Germany. You see FLOOGINHALLIN SHIZA is a word in the German language which mea- "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? I ASKED FOR DECAFF *Hitler shoots coffee guy* Well that #$@# isn't going to get a free complementary soap bubble batch… I AM *audience gasps* Muahahahahah… What country is he from? EHH? Poland? WE WILL ENVADE POLAND! AHAHAHAHA *cough* *gag* Bring me my damn inhaler. *poof* Ahh yes, so if you want to be on ze Hitler Show please call 1800 FLOOGINHALLINSHIZACOMPHCOOKENALVEDAZANEVUNDERHUND! See you next time!
Now what's the moral of this story? You don't want to miss that complementary bubble bath. It is gooood!
So one day I was walking down the street and I saw a runaway manic, so I thought I could take him and be a haro, but when we got "jiggy with it" he bit me. And he must have had rabies, or an STD. So I was in a coma for fifteen years, and when I awoke I was in a cock fight ring to my dismay.
Now what's the moral of this story? Twenty bucks on the chicken.
And now the president of the United States! *audience claps* "Hello, we have good news; we have found the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And we will be bringing the troops back *audience claps* and lowering taxes. We will also build more oil refineries. And we will get more food for the homeless and find a cure to cancer. May God bless us all… -Hey, does this microphone look like a giant robot dick to you guys? I mean it looked like that all *my* life but just asking…
Now what's the moral of this story? Moral? What moral?
So one day I was walking down the street when an enormous fat lady hit on me. I mean have you ever wondered how disturbing it is just to have a conversation with a fat ass? I mean you can hardly even talk to them; you're looking at their fat the whole time. It's like "Oh hello Alan." and then I replied "Oh hey Mrs. Blubberson-I mean-Bobson." I mean seriously.
"So… how are you these days?"
"Umm yes ahh I'm off work today because I'm sick and someone is blubbering-I mean covering! For me." *eye twitches violently*
"You have to tell me where you work honey." *fat jiggles tauntingly*
"Well … I work at an assembly line for a fat-I mean MAT! Company. Err- I have to umm…go…to a place. Nice meeting you Mrs. Blub-err-Bobson." *jumps down sewer drain*
Now what's the moral of this story? *shivers violently*
So I was walking down the street one day and I saw a dog, but this was no ordinary dog. It wore a top hat with a matching blouse. A red one to be exact.
Now what's the moral of this story? I'm running out of material.
Oh yeah, and this other time I was walking in a park when a bear attacked me. Even though it was a local park with swings and see-saws it still attacked me. There must have been a circus in town or something and they must have been poking it because Mr. Bear wasn't very friendly. When I got up from the ground I realized I was in a coma for fifteen years and hte playground was now a gray strip bar. Like a hungry baby in a topless bar I was confused.
Now what's the moral of this story? Life is random… Make a sandwich. ©
THE END